everything that's on my mind

Dec. 13 - Power forward Ron Artest, formerly of the Indiana Pacers, announces his intention to play basketball all by himself for the rest of his career.

Apr. 5 - The Baylor women's basketball team defeats Michigan State to win the NCAA women's championship, showing the nation and their own university what a Baylor team can do when it works hard, plays as a team, and does not conspire to murder one another.

Aug. 1 - Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice makes a preseason promise that the character and behavior of the players on this years' team will soon make the fans forget the shameful off-field antics of Randy Moss. (my personal favorite)

Oct. 17 - NBA Commissioner David Stern announces that he is implementing an especially strict dress code for himself, including tailored Italian suits, handmade silk ties, custom-crafted leather shoes, and wafer-thin gold or platinum Patek Philippe watches. Financial aid is made available to allow less-affluent commissioners to conform to the new rules, violation of which is punishable by three weeks off with pay.

Nov. 27 - Punter Jeff Feagles becomes football's "Iron Man," having played every fourth down of 283 consecutive NFL games. When asked to comment on the difficulty of such a streak, former Oriole Cal Ripken Jr. asked reporters who Jeff Feagles was, snorting derisively, shaking his head, and sauntering aimlessly away upon finding out Feagles is a punter.

Dec. 8 - Anxiety for the 2006 World Cup begins early for the United States, who cross their fingers before the seeding and pray they are not matched up against a soccer-mad powerhouse European, South American, Asian, or African team in the first round. Feelings are mixed but generally gloomy when their first opponent turns out to be the Czech Republic.

Dec. 11 - The Houston Texans, searching desperately for a way to improve and threatened by the potential for awfulness displayed by the Green Bay Packers, voluntarily forfeit the remainder of the 2005 season in order to draft Heisman Trophy-winning running back Reggie Bush of USC.

Dec. 12 - USC Trojans running back Reggie Bush announces that he has done much soul-searching and has decided to stay in school in order to complete his college degree, lead the Trojans to another national championship, and avoid playing for the Houston Texans.

Threat Of Catching Olympic Fever At An All-Time Low

Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract

Quarterback Has Normal, Healthy Son

NBA Playoffs Interrupted By NBA Preseason (my personal favorite)

Pony-Wanting Ron Artest To Be On Best Behavior Till Christmas

Joe Namath Guarnatees He'll Lose Battle With Alcoholism

Several Gearing Up For 2006 Winter Olympics

NFL To Fine First Team To Beat Colts

Pacifist Linebacker Dodges NFL Draft

Jerry Rice's 8-year-old Son: 'Playing Catch With My Dad Is The Most Stressful Part Of My Day'

Scottie Pippen's Retired Jersey Number Hung Directly Behind Michael Jordan's (my personal favorite)

Eagles Fans Long For Days When Inevitable Playoff Elimination Happened During Playoffs